


The Big Bunper Book of Meteor Party Games

by moonstruckNeophyte, Vintar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Homestuck Shipping World Cup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 09:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/911559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstruckNeophyte/pseuds/moonstruckNeophyte, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintar/pseuds/Vintar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Kanaya attempt to entertain themselves on the meteor. Contains cross-cultural poker disagreements, Dave Strider’s opinions of charades, and at least one chess-related injury.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Big Bunper Book of Meteor Party Games

**Author's Note:**

> Team DaveKanaya's entry for HSWC round two! Words by Vintar, art by moonstruckNeophyte, and special thanks to Phrenotobe for last minute editing and html wrangling.

Upon arriving to their scheduled date, Kanaya discovered that Rose, ever the innovator, had decided to start it earlier than planned and with below the usual minimum number of participants. Also, breaking new ground in post-modern date design, she was more horizontal than was standard, and was lying half-under a table.

"I'm sorry, Kanana," Rose said, looking up in her general direction with all the clear eagle-eyed focus that a bottle of peach-flavoured turpentine could give a person. "I don't think I'll be particularly sillitillating-- sininlita-- scinlit-- particularly interesting company tonight."

With a sigh, Kanaya fetched a pillow and a glass of water, and set them down a suitable distance from Rose, just far enough away to ward off any hint of paleness. "I'm going to pretend this is a surprise."

Rose made a noise of mock pain and stretched out to poke at Kanaya's ankles. "Did I ever tell you that you have nice knees? You have such nice knees. They're very... appkneeling."

"Good night, Rose."

 

 

"Strike leader alpha lobster, do you copy? Over. Yo. Yo. From hell's heart I yo at you. You know I know you're in there, right? I can hear the speaker crab from out here. Hey, little dude. I just want you to know that even though we're not speaking right now, mommy and daddy still love you very much."

Dave considered Karkat's closed door. He raised his wrist to check his watch. He wasn't actually wearing one, and didn't need one anyway, but it drove Karkat up the wall when he did it. Even though there was a closed door in the way, Karkat had a finely-honed radar for things that annoyed him.

The door cracked open, and a thin bleary slice of Karkat glared at him.

"I knew it."

"What?"

Dave gestured at his wrist. "The watch thing. You hate it."

Karkat both narrowed and rolled his eyes. It was probably meant to convey utter frustration, but it just made him look a little like he had allergies. "No, I mean, what do you want? Or is it time for the annual Stand Outside Karkat's Door And Blither Inanely Day celebrations? Oh, wait, that's every day in the hideous shrieking clusterfuck that has become my life."

"You know it's your favourite holiday, don't even try to pretend that you don't circle that shit on your calendar every year." He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I thought we could just hang out. I found some weird tubes on one of the basement levels, looks like they might have some rad dead things inside. Want to go press some buttons?"

Karkat sighed. He had a well-practised sigh. It went on for quite some while, and gave the impression that one day it might keep going, until he'd deflated like an angry balloon. "Just... I don't feel like it, okay? Sometime later, maybe."

The door shut.

"You have to say 'over', dude," Dave said into his communicator.

 

 

Between the number of survivors and the fantastically echoing corridors of the meteor, it wasn't hard to tell who was nearby. Kanaya had learned to pick them all; Karkat's self-contained angry stamping, Terezi's quick, precise steps, the click of the Mayor's feet. Rose's steps, vacillating between straight and wobbling, depending on the day. Gamzee's clownshoed lopes, sometimes, from down a dark corridor. A shuffling of sneakers, cape swishing.

"Hello, Dave."

"Yo, you busy?"

Kanaya considered herself, lying on her back on the observatory desk, staring up into space. She considered the emptiness of the room, silent except for the nasal whine of the ventilation system.

"Yes," she said.

"Cool, me too," said Dave, and dropped down next to her. "Checking out our lucky stars?"

"Not really. I have suspicions about some of them being stars at all. That one, for instance, keeps moving." She pointed upwards at a particularly shifty-looking constellation, which squirmed under their combined scrutiny and squidded off across the sky, twinkling brightly.

"Gross. Dare you to do some space magic to it."

"The abilities of my class seems somewhat limited." She stretched her hands out and wiggled her fingers at a comet streaking by. "I suppose I might, if pushed, be able to filter rudimentary forms of life from their directionless diaspora through the cold uncaring reaches of space, elevating them from strings of sugars and proteins into beings capable of thought and reason." She squinted through their fingers. "And then make them do menial tasks for me."

"You're shitting me."

"Yes, completely. I could possibly manage to make a star twinkle extremely prettily, though."

Dave rolled onto his front, smooshing his face up against the metal flooring. One eye rolled at her from underneath his askew sunglasses. "Lame. I came here for high-grade entertainment, not to hang out with a Disney princess."

"I'll have you know that on Alternia, Troll Disney was the pinnacle of high-grade entertainment."

"So how many adorable woodland friends did Troll Bambi murder?"

"Precisely fifty," Kanaya said, then looked slightly ashamed.

"Okay, a) that's weird as hell, and b) what the fuck?"

"When you live in an inhospitable desert full of the walking dead, there are only so many hobbies you can take up," she said, with all the dignity she could muster. "I may have had a brief affair with online Trollvial Pursuit."

Dave snorted. "Shit, we could do with some games on this rock. Laser tag. Musical cans. Karkat-oke."

"Maybe one of the meteor computers has some games on it? Sollux was awfully good with computers."

"Probably not. I tried to figure out if I could get one to drop me a nice set of beats once, and all I found was a bunch of useless life support programs and some really weird pornography."

"Ah," said Kanaya. "Sollux _was_ awfully good with computers." She sat up. "Still, I'd bet there's some entertainment to be found."

"You know what?" said Dave, and got to his feet. "I think this calls for a little DIY."

 

  
THE BIG BUNPER BOOK OF METEOR PARTY GAMES

hopy shit look at all this GNOODNESS and COMEDUY........ 

A Selection Of Entertaining  
no cut  
do it properly man  
What  
cmon get into the swing of things  
unhook your capitals and take a deep breath  
just grab a handful of spelling and slather it about like an angry chimpanzee  
freestyle that shit  
Okay  
Here I Go

aa selectian of entartainingg gamez

i  
oh  
wow  
holy shit  
Stop Laughing  
Stop Doing That  
ow fuck  
jesus christ okay ill stop  
Good  
that wasnt very monorail of you  
Spare The Pinch And Spoil The Papped  
if i wanted to get pinched id go sneak up on karkat while hes sleeping  
again  
He Really Wishes You Wouldnt Do That  
he makes angry crab noises too i mean i have no experience with what an angry crab sounds like but im pretty sure thats what they sound like  
This Page Is Getting Full Lets Turn Over

 

 

CARD GAMES

ok so poker is all about memorising the combinations of cards and suits and decks and pokemon types or whatever but the best part is working on your po po po po pokerface so you can play mind games

Yes Fire Manipulation Implement Is All About The Mind Games You Must Get Inside The Other Persons Mind And Destroy Them Utterly

Leave Them A Shattered Husk Contemplating Their Immense And Inevitable Ruin

Unable To Trust Their Judgement They Remain Forever Second-Guessing Their Every Decision

also the dealer gets a little green hat

Also The Dealer Gets A Little Green Hat

An Example Game:

Player One Attempts And Fails At Dealing The Cards In A Cool Movie Way Without Sending Them Flying Off Of The Table

The Table Is A Lab Bench With A Rug Thrown Over It To Hide The Quite Frankly Disturbing Stains

After The Players Have Collected Their Cards And Arranged Their Hands They Begin To Bet And Bluff

Player One Attempts To Undermine The Confidence Of Player Two By Throwing Out A Ridiculous Array Of Words Like A Marine Legcreature Trying To Confuse Predators By Shooting Out A Cloud Of Writejuice

"im doing the full poker  
read em and weep  
future generations are going to immortalise this shit in beautiful velvet paintings of daves playing poker  
snap draw four"  
\--Completely Hypothetical Example Dialogue

Player Two Is Wise To Player Ones Mind Games And Also Is More Or Less Certain That Nothing That Player One Just Said Are Even Real Things

Player One Replies By Saying That Next Player Two Will Be Telling Him That She Doesnt Even Have Any Threes

This Only Makes Player Two More Certain

Player Two Goes In For The Kill

winning hands:

poker has more hands than an octopus mosh pit but here are some of the important ones

a flush is five of the same suit

a straight is a bunch in a row

a full house is some then some more

do you see whats not there

do you see

do you see how having one of each suit and the rule card isnt a real hand

how did you even get that anyway

Everyone Knows That Full Quadrants Is The King Of Hands

Read Them And Weep At Your Complete Ruin

yeah this isnt going to work

 

 

CHARADES

a game for people who are sick of listening to their friends but also want to make sure that everyone at the party knows how good their taste in movies is. the two rules of charades is one that you cant talk because thats the whole frickin point of the game numpnuts and two dont be the asshole who always does titanic or the godfather like come on jazz it up try to do cannibal holocaust or sharknado or something and put on a show for the rest of us

an example game:

player one stands up and does the shitty movie mime

player two correctly guesses that its a movie. they should probably just let the charader/charaderer/mimechump save time and just say movie because come on we all know what it means even though the last time anyone used ye oldey film reels was back in charlie chaplin days and they should probably just update it to miming pressing play on a remote. shit now im angry about mimes.

player one then taps their arm to show how many words are in the title

player one then proceeds to tap their arm one hundred and thirty times

player one is playing with bullshit troll movies dont play with bullshit troll movies the end

 

 

HEMOSPECTRUM ANATOMY DISASTER

Do You Think Rose Might Want To Play

Its Only Polite To Ask

And After A Couple Of Inebriating Solutions She Gets Impressively Flexible

oh look i spun the wheel and it landed on both hands over ears 

She Can Put Her Right Hand Jade Any Day If You Know What I Mean Nudge Nudge Wink Wink

No Wait

By Jade I Meant Me Not Our Mutual Acquaintance

Although Now That I Think Of It

okay i spun it again and this time its landed on game over youre the worst lets never speak of this again

 

 

 

CELEBRITY HEADS

Dave I Do Not Even Know Who Kanye West Is

thats your problem not mine

aight let me see who i got

kanaya this just says 'one of the cans from can town'

At Least You Know Who That Is

 

 

CHESS

alright so youve got a bunch of little dudes and dudettes and horses and castles and popes and you put them on a black and white board and move them around. even the castles move around somehow like chess land is built on bizarro fault lines. sucks to be little chess dudes they cant even go about their daily business without a fucking ye olde castle jumping out from around a corner and trying to clothesline them.

to play chess you take turns moving your pieces or if youre stuck on a janky meteor then your cans with pieces drawn on them in chalk. sometimes people playing chess smack clocks after their turns but yo that shits not cool like what did time ever do to you.

an example game:

player 1 moves a can with a dude drawn on the label

player 2 moves a can with horse drawn on the label

player 1 seduces player 2s can with a horse drawn on the label with his own can with a horse drawn on the label and recruits it into his own team. player 2 argues the legality of this move. player 1 points out the shininess of his canhorses mane and its fluttering eyelashes. player 2 says you just drew them on right then thats cheating.

some other moves happened here but all you need to know is that player 2 is a dick when shes losing to completely legal moves and if she picks up a can just duck for cover okay she is not bluffing i repeat she is not bluffing

 

 

Rose picked up another scrap of paper. "Should we get Terezi? Finding missing persons seems like more of her jurisdiction."

"I know that in the cylindrical transportation device of life all of us hit the accelerator and went screaming past Maturity Junction straight into Stupid Baby Wrigglerville, but the silent treatment is reaching new depths." Karkat slouched ahead along the corridor and picked up another paper scrap, poking out from under a lab bench covered in chalky tins. "Okay, this should be enough to try to piece together. Maybe we can find out where the hell they've disappeared to."

Rose brushed battered playing cards and dented tins from the bench, and laid down the pieces of paper. "Usually I start with the corners, but in this case I think we can dispense with that," she said, and shuffled them around.

The result was not illuminating.

"Rose."

"Yes, Karkat?"

"This just says 'Kanye West'."

"Yes, Karkat."

"That is not helpful."

"Unless you're asking some very specific questions, no."

There was a noise from the next room. Rose and Karkat poked their heads around the door frame.

In the next room was a pile of Pictionary cards, all of them covered in dicks. Slumped back against it was Kanaya, snoring atrociously, and Dave, drooling a little on his cape. The speaker crab wriggled its claws happily on Karkat's wrist.

 

"It's good to know they haven't fallen into some sort of sinister and convoluted dreambubble plots," Rose said. "Or dumped me. Either-or." She gently covered the pair of them with what appeared to be a twelve-coloured Twister mat. "I wonder what they were doing for so long."

Karkat picked up a book made of notebook paper stapled together and idly flipped through it. "Playing ridiculous games for bored grubs, it looks like."

"Oh dear."

"Stop smiling. It's so great to know that our team is putting so much effort into preparing for the next session! Good going, guys. Look at how many pages they wasted their time writing." He frowned at a page. "Also, wow, fuck Dave, anyone with working peekspheres can tell that troll Charades is a fucking masterpiece of an endurance sport."

Rose peered over his shoulder. "I can see where they went wrong. Replacing the cans with shot glasses would have objectively improved this version of chess."

"I mean, anyone knows that you only start with filmreel titles, then you move onto books and propaganda..."

"And the addition of some sort of forfeit system would have helped things..."

 

 

Dave woke to the sound of someone saying his name and the slow realisation that his neck was killing him. He blearily opened his eyes and shook a handful of Dicktionary cards out of his hair. Kanaya yawned in his peripheral vision, impressive in the way that only vampire alien yawns could be.

Karkat and Rose were crouched in front of them, expressions serious. Karkat had a nosebleed, and Rose was sporting the beginning of an impressive black eye. "Wake the fuck up," said Karkat, and attempted to shake Dave awake. Dave slapped his hands away.

"I'm afraid that hot potato has become quite intense," Rose said. "We need an umpire."

"I won the fuck out of Boggle, though," said Karkat. "I am the reigning king of arranging word crumbs."

"Our adoring public," Kanaya said, standing, and helped Dave to his feet. "Life as a famous author is so trying."

Dave took the book back from Karkat, only slightly smudged with blood, and pulled a crayon out from behind his ear. "Okay, so, here's what you need to add to the rules..."


End file.
